You know how some residential areas start out decent but then somehow turn into the ‘hood years later? That’s how I feel about the Christian dating scene right now.

Talk about slim pickings!

I know. You don’t want some married hag commenting on the dating scene, but for the sake of my dear single friends, it has to be done.

Here’s the profile of most of the eligible women I know: attractive, educated (most with graduate degrees), pretty solid career, serious about their Christianity and no children.

Here’s usually the profile of the men who try to show their interest: none of the above.

Obviously I’m only hearing one side of the story, but some of these tales of guys trying to “shoot their shot” have me in tears (of laughter of course). So here are some suggestions, from a woman’s point of view, that may help. 💁🏾‍♀️

Attraction

Attraction is pretty difficult to define because beauty is in the eye of the beholder. All I can say is that it’s not vain to want your spouse to be a little easy on the eyes.

Besides, you’re the one waking up to that person every day. And during a heated argument, staring back at someone who is not appealing to you makes emotions run that much deeper. (Uggh…I can’t stand your ugly self!)

No one is saying that the person has to be a 10, but if you consider yourself to be a solid 7, you’d likely want about the same in your partner. Please note that there are one or two bonus points that can be added to the base score of a person’s looks if he or she is funny, nicely dressed, kind-hearted or financially stable.

This is not, however, a pass for grandpas in their 60s to try to get at women in their prime. Please leave the prime picks for your sons, pops. You can stick to Ms. Josephine from the senior center.

Education and Drive

This one can get tricky. There have been research and articles about African-American women being the most educated group in the U.S. Therefore, it might be harder to find a counterpart who has the same education level.

In my humble opinion, it’s not strictly education that is the deciding factor. It’s more about a person’s knowledge base, willingness to learn and career drive.

In other words, you don’t need a doctorate degree, but you also can’t be complacent with an education or career that is getting you nowhere in life. (And let’s not even talk about the guys who are looking for a maid wife just to no longer have to cook or clean for themselves.)

Marriage is not the finish line. I repeat: Your goal in life is not to marry and die. Marriage, if you so choose that path, is a journey in which each participant is working to edify the other. When one of those partners is perceived to be dead weight, marital bliss won’t be that blissful for long.

So continue being the best you with or without a spouse.

Spirituality

I cringed at typing that word because it has become so cliché now.

“I’m not religious. I’m spiritual.”

Which spirit are we talking about, sir? Because there will be no conjuring up of the ancestors here. We’re talking about Jesus Christ.

As the culture changes, it’s getting more difficult to find people who stand firm in their beliefs and are actively trying to become better Christians daily.

Reading your Bible and praying every day is the bare minimum. How are you growing in your walk with Christ? How are you discipling others?

We all make mistakes, but be serious about your spirituality. 🙏🏾

You know how I mentioned that there are other factors that could add to your looks? For some women, being a God-fearing man is two extra points. So, if you’re a 5, you better be working toward becoming a 7, Boaz! (I find it utterly corny when a woman says that they’re searching for their Boaz, by the way.)

There are also the ones that act too heavenly to be any earthly good, but that’s a whole other subject.

No Children

I added this last standard simply because all the single women I know who are in their 30s said they prefer it.

I could definitely see why. No one wants baby momma drama, and I would assume having extra people vying for your spouse’s attention could be an issue at times.

Although, I will say that I have seen women who originally thought they wanted a man with no kids end up finding the man of their dreams and becoming a great “bonus mom” to his child(ren).

Taking someone else’s child as your own isn’t for everyone, but when it’s done correctly, it’s a beauty thing.

Hanging with Singles

As my friends are finding the guys who check all of these standards, I find myself in a peculiar situation. How do they prefer to hang with me? 🤔

I thought it was obvious that they would mostly want one-on-one settings with maybe a pop-in from my kids every once in a while. That is, until I was recently sent this tweet:

“Dear married people: one of the greatest gifts you can offer your single friends is an invitation to be a part of your family. Save them a seat at the table, remember them on holidays, invite them to make a post-dinner ice cream run with your kids…”

Is that what singles want? They want to be around family outings?

I don’t know. I’m not wired that way. I absolutely wouldn’t want to go to family functions because I’d be feeling like the third wheel. Then again, I don’t suffer from FOMO. (It means fear of missing out. Keep up, people!)

I remember this one time when I was single and worked out of town. During Thanksgiving time, I saw the schedule and realized that I couldn’t make it back home to enjoy dinner with my family.

I received some invitations, but I was just ready to be at home, chill on the couch and watch T.V. uninterrupted. I’m more of a homebody, though.

And I guess I came off as quite pathetic because one of my coworkers brought me a plate of food after she found out I spent the holidays alone. That was actually very much appreciated, though. (Shoutout to Julie Hays for looking out for ya girl!)

What do you think? Do I have this wrong? Surely single people don’t want to come to another family’s last-minute store runs and kid birthday parties…or do they?

We go deeper into the struggles of the Christian dating scene in this week’s podcast. Check it out here.