Starting the New Year was a time to reflect about different areas of my life while trying to improve upon others. As I asked around about New Year’s, I heard a consistent theme—building relationships.

People want community. People want to have a circle of people who love them and have their back. And some people want to find whatever their definition of a soul mate is.

All that is great, but be careful what you wish for. I’m not going into a lecture about how the grass may not be greener. All I’m saying is that you have to be in the right mindset and position to receive whatever you’re asking for.

You want a friend? Be one. You want a spouse? Make sure you’ll be someone’s asset, not a liability. 💪🏾

And even when you have all of that in place, there are still going to be things that pop up that you never even considered.

That’s what this blog post is about. I don’t regret my choice to get married at all. It’s just that there are things that snuck up on me—even after going to pre-marital counseling.

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Sharing Spaces

When Brandon and I dated, we spent a lot of time together. We were together all day on some occasions. The difference is that I had the chance to go back to my apartment at the end of the day to regroup and do it all over again the next day.

Not so in marriage.

The meaning of “decompression time” has morphed from having a night alone to finding a vacant section of our house for a little bit before seeing each other once again for bedtime.

It’s really not that big of a deal to some people. But for me, a very complicated ambivert, it can mess up your need to recharge… at least in the beginning of the marriage.

Omitting the Details

This one STILL gets me in trouble.

One of my pet peeves is repeating myself. Yes, I talk fast, but listen up! And because I hate repeating myself, or sometimes even explaining myself, I tend to keep things in my head. I don’t do it on purpose, but it’s one of the things I haven’t been quite able to shake now that I don’t live alone. (Yes, even after seven years.)

I’ll tell Brandon that I may go the mall on a certain day, but I won’t update him when I have more concrete details. So, he won’t know a thing until I’m getting ready.

“Where are you going?”

“To the mall.”

“You’re going to the mall?”

“Umm… yes. I told you that days ago.”
(You have to say that in the “Maaaawm, you’re annoying me” voice.) 

 “Hope, you said you may go. I didn’t think you were, and you never told me a time.”

 “Yeah well, now you know.”

Yes, I’m totally in the wrong in that situation. It’s something I definitely need to work on. I think a lot and make a lot of minor decisions internally, so I need to do better at relaying some of those decisions to my spouse. 🤦🏾‍♀️

Don’t judge me.

Can’t be as Spontaneous / Risky

This won’t apply to everyone; but when you’re in a relationship, sometimes you can’t accept the extreme opportunities that arise like a single person can. 🙅🏾‍♀️

For example, I love documentaries. I don’t watch sports that much, but I will watch all of the episodes of ESPN’s “30 for 30” because I like to hear people’s story. As I was getting further along in my career and transitioning out of local television, I looked at producer positions for companies that specialize in documentaries.

The pickings weren’t great, but there were three jobs that I thought I’d be perfect for. There was a catch, though. All of them were out of state in your usual entertainment hubs (New York, Los Angeles, D.C., etc.).

In my single mind, I would have applied, contemplated salary with cost of living and prayed for a call back.

In my just-married mind, knowing we’d likely start expanding our family sooner or later, I decided it really wasn’t the best decision for us. 👎🏾

I don’t regret it. My life is exactly how it is supposed to be.

I actually never told my husband about it. He would have been more than supportive of me going for it. I just knew at the time that being away from both of our families to chase a job that may or may not work out wasn’t smart for us.

You hear that? Us.

All decisions are not just about you anymore. It affects your spouse and your children (if there are any in the picture), and it’s not always feasible to be random and see where life takes you. Living off of peanuts is cute when you’re young and dumb, but those peanuts need to multiply as your responsibilities grow.

Good ol’ adulting.

Kids Change the Dynamics

Speaking of multiplying, kids can do a number on your relationship. Everyone tells you that, but you don’t really know until you experience it.

After my first son, my husband and I realized we were in over our heads once the baby had an unending bout of crying. It lasted for hours. Turns out, he was just very hungry. I blogged about it here if you want to add another tally to my “mommy fails” collection.

I remember that night being very tense. Even when the baby was calm, we were on edge. We were off as a couple, and we had to figure out how to get back to our normal selves.

It took deliberate work and time, but we maneuvered through it.

And learning from that, we were able to protect against that strain with the second and third child. 👶🏾

As the kids grow more independent, we have to be intentional in making sure we’re good as a couple because it’s so easy to get entrenched and lose sight of the marriage amongst the craziness of having kids.

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Hopefully, this opened your eyes a bit to the different things to consider before leaping into a lifelong commitment. And since you have a lifetime, don’t rush and choose wisely.

I can’t wait to get your feedback on this one. What are some things you wish you knew before you got married? And if you’re single, what’s your take on the four points I mentioned about above?

I’ll be explaining these points some more and talking about more of my experiences in this week’s podcast. Your responses will be used as well, so let me know your take!