If you don’t like double standards, growing up in a Nigerian household may boggle your mind sometimes. Roles are very traditional, and girls and boys are treated accordingly.

Let me not generalize this to ALL Nigerian households. These are just the many many households that I have encountered—including my own.

GIRL ROLES

From birth, you know that the plan is to marry you off so that you can start creating grandchildren. They don’t tell you that at an early age, but you’re definitely taught life skills to make sure you succeed in that area.

“You need to learn to cook. Have you cleaned? Is that how you’ll be talking back to others?”

Education was absolutely priority. Oddly enough, it’s almost a given that after graduation, your mindset should be on having your own family. (Let’s not talk about the fact that you’re not supposed to even look at boys in school but then you’re supposed to magically marry soon after graduation. No, we won’t talk about that. )

That’s probably why I was seen as “the rebel.” Mind you, I have never smoked or drank or acted promiscuous. My unwillingness to conform to norms was how I was perceived as rebellious.

I had a LOT of guy friends growing up. Girls were mean and two-faced, so the straight talk and laughter that I had with my guy friends were awesome. Sometimes my parents didn’t see it that way.

“So you want to run around with boys? Why is it that every time the phone rings, it’s boy boy boy. Have you faced your books?” 

Calm down, people. I was chubby and nothing to brag about. We were obviously just friends, but my parents didn’t take notice of that.

Oh, but my brothers? They’d get personal messages delivered to them about a missed call.

“Emmm… Jalay or Janay or Ja-gini called while you were outside. She said she’d call back when you get back.”

Is that what we’re doing? I didn’t even get an option of a call back unless I said it was for homework purposes. Geesh…

Curfews were sooner, the activities in which I could participate were more limited, and a strict dress code was HIGHLY enforced at all times.

That could just happen because parents are usually overprotective of their girls, right? Well, then let’s talk about the differences in the gender expectations.

GIRL EXPECTATIONS

The differences in treatment carry over after you move out. ✌🏾

I kid you not. My brother, who lives out of state, will literally call my parents MAYBE four times a year. Maybe.

I live 50 minutes away from my parents, they see my kids almost every day, and we are always in contact with each other one way or another. 

Here’s my mom’s response to my brother on his quarterly call.

“Ooooooh! Is it you that’s calling? How are you? How have you been? We know you’re busy. Thanks so much for calling me, my son. That has made my day.”

My brother’s answers are basically grunts and one-word responses. Doesn’t matter. He has been restored as king.

Here’s my mom’s response if we haven’t talked for three days.

“Is that Hopie? So you forgot about mommy? Work is busy? I hope you’re not working too much. Do you still have time to cook? Are you feeding your kids and husband?” 

Good talk, mom, good talk.

She definitely will say she misses me. That just comes after she checks in to make sure I’m being the best wife and mom I can be. 

Even when I was pregnant, the discrepancy in treatment was very evident.

My mom graciously watched my kids and my brother’s kids when they were infants. She is absolutely the only person I’d trust with such a task.

Just don’t try to put in any special requests. 

I remember that I was trying to be all cute and organic with my first son. He was going to be mega healthy and non-GMO’d up! That message didn’t translate very well to my mom.

“Hey mom! He’s exclusively drinking breast milk, so his bottles are in here.”

“Breast milk? He’s two months! Is that why he’s so skinny? He looks so shaka-yagga! Feed my baby some oatmeal, so that his stomach will be calm.”

“No, mom. He’s fine. He’ll have milk for about the first four months, then we’ll see.”

“Do you know that I raised four children and used to babysit so many people’s children? Who have I watched that didn’t turn out healthy and strong?”

“Mom. Can you please just feed him the bottles I packed? It’s even easier for you. Just warm up the bottles and feed him whenever.”

“Okaaaaaay….”

Later in the evening when I called, she filled me in on the day.

“He’s a good baby. He can really eat! I mixed your milk with formula, rice and put a little bit of the mashed fruit in it so that the taste can come out. He really liked it, so you can make it at home, too.”

“Wait. What? MOM! I told you that he only needs milk. Only milk!”

“How can I just feed my baby milk? He needs to grow! You need to feed this baby, so that he grows strong.”

I gave up. That woman was going to do what she wanted, which would have been perfectly fine if that was the same treatment my brother received. Here he goes… 🙄

“Hey mom. There’s a bottle with a mix of mashed potatoes, lizard lips and cornbread in the bag. That’s all she needs to eat all day. If she runs out, just stare at her as she cries from hunger.”

“Okay, my son. Have a good day at work.”

And when my brother comes to pick his daughter up, she sticks exactly to the plan.

“Hi, my son! She ate well. I only fed her the bottle you gave me. I tried to portion it out throughout the day. She did run out about 30 minutes ago, but—as you said—I just let her cry it out.”

Maybe this is a bit of an exaggeration, but I can guarantee you that no new food would be added to my brother’s original request. (She would NEVER let one of her babies cry from hunger, though. Food is how she shows love. LOL! )

RESPONSIBILITIES

The old adage goes:

A son is a son until he gets a wife; a daughter is a daughter all her life.

Although I don’t really like that saying, parents kind of accept it and act accordingly.

No matter what my parents need, they’ll likely call my sister about it. My sister is younger than both of my brothers. She’s the third-born child, but is everyone’s second mom.

She never asked for it. It’s apparently her birthright as the oldest daughter a.k.a. “Ada!” 🤱🏾

Anything from something that’s easily Google-able to a question that can easily be answered if they call one of my brothers, my sister is the one who filters all of that.

The mindset is definitely that daughters are there to take care of you for life. 

I don’t mind it because I love my parents. The only gripe I have is that their expectation is not spread evenly to my brothers.

They have no expectations, so any time they lift a finger, they turn into the best sons ever.

I can’t…

The boys are there to carry on the name. The girls are there to… carry the grandchildren.

This is a man’s world, but according to the late James Brown, it wouldn’t be nothing, nothing without a woman or a girl.

And don’t you forget it.

There are so many tales to tell about growing up as a girl in the traditional Nigerian culture. You’ll hear more about that in this week’s podcast. And to really fill you in on the responsibilities, I’ll bring in Ada to tell her side of the story. See you then!