As the Plot Thickens (A Family Saga)

Friday, July 31, 2015 0 Random Permalink 0

I wouldn’t consider myself to have a big family, but we’re not hurting for more people. I have two brothers and one sister, so I grew up in a six-family household (and I’m the baby).

Sure it can be annoying at times, but bigger families are fun. You seriously cannot even try to predict what will happen next with all of the personalities swarming around.

While my sister and I were talking on the phone recently, we figured something else out—you’ll never quickly get to the bottom of how a story really happened. Finding the truth involves a long process of speaking to each sibling to state their truth, and ultimately putting the pieces together on your own (which may still be a little off.)

The Plot: Let’s say my mom and dad were walking in the park. Something falls from the sky and hits my dad on the head. He later develops a bump on his head. Then, my mom and dad go home and contemplate whether to simply ice the bump or take my dad to the doctor to make sure everything is okay.

Here’s where the fun happens…

Ladies and gentlemen, introducing tonight’s cast:

Dad – The scholarly and serious one (to be read in a Nigerian accent and deep voice)
Mom – The dramatic one (to be read in a Nigerian accent and sing-song voice)
My Oldest Brother a.k.a. Blood Bro, Bruh – The level-headed one
My Older Brother a.k.a Broski – The jokester and storyteller
My Sister a.k.a. Gwess (because her name is Grace) – The angry one
Me – The analytical one / drama junior (I get it from my momma…)

Aaaand action!

SCENE 1 – MOM’S REACTION

::phone rings::

Me: Hello?

Mom: HOPE! This is mommy. You won’t imagine what happened to your daddy when we went to the park. Can you believe that when we were walking, something dropped on his head… just like that!

Me: Huh? What dropped on his head? Is he ok?

Mom: I don’t know what. It just fell like POM! on his head. Heeeeey! I can’t believe this. Father, please help me. HELP ME, FATHER! Hel-lelp, hel-lelp, hel-lelp!!

Me: Calm down, mom. Is he okay?

Mom: Did you not hear me?? I said a brick fell on his head! He has bump on his head! Are you listening? Anyway… I’m calling your brother to see if he can take us to emergency.

Me: A brick? I thought you didn’t know what fell on his head. Where did it come from?

Mom: DO I KNOW? I’m not the one who threw it!

Me: Where is dad right now?

Mom: Hope.. I don’t have time for this. I have to call your brother. I’ll talk to you later. *click*

SCENE 2 – HOPE’S VERSION

::phone rings::

Gwess: Hello?

Me: Gwess…. did you hear about dad?

Gwess: Huh? What happened?

Me: Well, according to mom…

Gwess: Oh gosh. Hope, just say what happened. I don’t need any accents or dramatizations… just the facts!

Me: Yeah… I know. So mom calls me this morning and says, “(in Nigerian accent) You cannot imagine what happened to your daddy.”

Gwess: HOPE! I don’t have time for this…JUST TELL ME!

Me: I am! So anyways, she says, “(in Nigerian accent) My God and my Savior, my Savior and my Father! Help us-ooooh!

Gwess: Here we go…

Me: (still in accent) “Your daddy and I were walking, and someone threw a brick at his head. It was just like that. I looked to my left, then I looked to my right, and then I saw your daddy on the ground. Can you imagine? Your daddy on the ground! He could have died-ooooh!”

Gwess: So… someone threw a BRICK at dad?? Who would do that?

Me: Who knows. Probably some young punks trynna impress a young lil’ thundacat or something.

Gwess: What are you even talking about?

Me: Look, all I know is dad got hit… and mom’s calling Blood Bro to see if they should go to the hospital or something.

Gwess: It’s that serious?

Me: They’re trying to go to the emergency room, so I guess so.

Gwess: I’ll call you back. Let me call him real quick.

SCENE 3 – THE UNANSWERED CALL

::phone rings::

Blood Bro’s Phone: You have reached the voicemail of…

Gwess: *click*

SCENE 4 – GWESS’ VERSION

::phone rings::

Broski: Hello?

Gwess: Hey… you hear about dad?

Broski: Dad? What happened?

Gwess: Well, mom and dad were walking in the park and then…

Broski: Aren’t they too old to be walking in this heat? That’s the real issue. I mean…

Gwess: Ugggh.. LISTEN!!! So they were walking in the park and then somehow a brick was thrown at his head.

Broski: A brick? You mean a bird dropped a poo brick on dad’s head, right? Because that, my friend, is no fun.

Gwess: Oh my gosh… I can’t with you. Just know that he may be going to the hospital now. I have no clue. I tried to call Blood Bro earlier, but he didn’t pick up. You try.

Broski: Look, I’m at work, but…

Gwess: Just do it! Bye. *click*

SCENE 5 – THE UNANSWERED CALL (AGAIN)

::phone rings::

Blood Bro’s Phone: You have reached the voicemail of…

Broski: *click*

SCENE 6 – THE CONFERENCE CALL

::phone rings::

Gwess: Hello?

Broski: Surprise surprise… he didn’t pick up for me either.

Gwess: Well, add Hope on this call. She may have called mom back to get more info.

::phone rings::

Me: Hello?

Broski: (in Nigerian accent) Hope! Hope! How you dey now? How is my nephew now?

Me: (in Nigerian accent) My brudda, If you’d come to visit more often, you’d know.

Broski: Ouch… zinga!!!

Gwess: You two are idiots. FOCUS! Hope, how’s dad? You hear from mom?

Me: Just for a little bit. She called saying that they didn’t need the hospital. They just needed some ice.

Broski: Some ice for a brick to the head?

Me: Apparently. I don’t know. She said dad’s resting now, so…

Broski: Resting?? He could have a concussion! Tell her to wake him up!

Grace: Oh crap, he’s right. We have to wake him up. Hope, call… hold on… I think Blood Bro is calling me back.

::loops Blood Bro into conference call::

Blood Bro: Whaddup? Whaddup?

Broski: ‘Whaddup’ is that dad is apparently asleep with a concussion.

Blood Bro: What?

Gwess: Hope said mom said dad went to bed. Why would you let him go to bed after someone took a brick to his head??

Blood Bro: *chuckles* What are you guys talking about? Mom called me and said something fell on dad’s head, and…

Hope: Yeah I know… she called me too. She said a brick fell on his head.

Blood Bro: A brick? No… dad said it was an apple.

Me, Gwess, and Broski: AN APPLE???

Blood Bro: Yup. Dad said a crabapple fell from a tree and hit his head. He doesn’t know if he’s always had that bump on his head, so he iced it for like 15 minutes.

Broski: So it wasn’t even a real apple? A Crabapple?? Aren’t those the small ones that used to grow on them trees in Maryland. Remember when we used to throw them at all the ashy kids who walked by? Then we’d say, ‘Put some lotion on, son!’ HA! Looking like they just bathed in baby powder. How do you walk out of your house in shorts looking like that?

Gwess: Oh my gosh. Shut up! So, Blood Bro… a crabapple fell and that’s all?

Blood Bro: Yeah. I don’t think he really even needed to ice it, but mom made him.

Gwess: Well that was anticlimactic.

Blood Bro: You guys are crazy. Why didn’t you all just call dad?

Me: Well I thought his wife would have the story right since she was right there! And since she made it all crucial, I thought he was unconscious or something.

Blood Bro: No, I think he was changing when mom called you. He was just coming out when she called me.

Hope: Well that’s just lovely. Let me call her back right now. Bye, guys. *click*

SCENE 7 – BACK TO REALITY

::phone rings::

Mom: Hello?

Hope: Mom, I thought you said dad was hit by a brick.

Mom: I thought it was a brick by the way your daddy stumbled, but he said it was an apple… a cralddapppple or whatever you call it.

Hope: It’s a crabapple, mom. Why did you act like dad was passed out or something?

Mom: No, he was just changing. But from the way it sounded when it hit him, I thought it was something harder. Something like what we call a nkume back home.

Hope: Alright, thanks for the lesson, mom. Is dad there?

Mom: Yes, hold on.

::mumbles in the background::

Dad: Hello?

Hope: Dad, what in the world?

Dad: I don’t even know. Your mommy was just calling you guys saying that it was a brick. I was changing, so I didn’t hear her until she called whomever was on the phone when I came back out.

Hope: That was Blood Bro.

Dad: Yes. So I told her it’s not that serious and to stop worrying. That’s when we decided to put ice on it and that was that.

Hope: I cannot with you guys. Well, I’m glad all is well. Love you. Have a good night. *click*

After this is usually when my sister and I debrief about the ridiculousness of it all, and why it took half a day to get to the truth.

You’re probably thinking, “I have a solution! Just call Blood Bro from the jump! He’s obviously the reasonable one.”

One problem: as you saw in tonight’s production, he rarely answers the phone when you call him.

Anywho, thank you for tuning in to this episode of As the Plot Thickens. Will mom ever stop overreacting? Will Gwess ever ease up? Will Broski ever stop making jokes about ashy people?